the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
