I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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