Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
