So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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