hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
