While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And then my night got REAL pukey
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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