im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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