if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
