you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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