the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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