Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
