my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
