In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
