i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
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