Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
