i don't like sucking hair
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
