the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
