Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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