...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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