Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
