exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
