I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dear god my vagina.
Shame - the story of my life.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
