Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
