Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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