I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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