His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
