the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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