apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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