I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
