awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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