Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
