i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
