remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
