If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You made out with two different species that night
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
