She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
