i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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