My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
