I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
