yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
