On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
