He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Hello my rib-scented angel!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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