Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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