All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
