Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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