i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
