no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
