You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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