the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
