Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
