Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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